Start Over Smart - A Modern Divorce Expo - New York

Nashville private investigator Thomas H. Humprheys on divorce fairs and why they may be a great idea:

Start Over Smart, a Modern Divorce Expo. Hosted at the Metropolitan Pavilion, 125 West 18th Street, NY, NY this weekend. Oh how I wish I had known about this sooner.

[FIND] Lexicon 

Divorce (de vors) n. 1. the legal disolution of a marriage 2. complete or radical severance of closley connected things.

The following stats are taken from the Start Over Smart Expo website:

The chances of a marriage surviving today are roughly equivelent to the flip of a coin. The number of marriages that end in divorce...45% to 50% for first marriages. ...60% to 67% for second marriages. ...70% to 73% for third marriages. The statistics are not necessarily encouraging.

Approximately 10% of the U.S. population has been through a divorce. I'm going to venture a guess that you have either been divorced, are directly related to someone who is divorced, or are close friends with someone who has traveled the long lonely road to splitsville.

The average duration of a divorce proceeding? About a year. And it's often a dificult, painful, embarassing, and ego-crushing experience, but somehow percieved as better than staying in a broken relationship.

Many professional investigators shun domestic work—too tawdry, too messy, beneath them. Here at [FIND] Investigations, we don't mind matrimonial investigations. Domestic investigations, even though they are sometimes tawdry and messy, offer our investigators an opportunity to ply their skills in a nuanced fashion. 

Our team has attended conventions undercover as builders and real estate agents. We've donned western wear and two-stepped in honky-tonks. We've trolled the streets of the French Quarter, looking for illicit behavior. 

The work is, if nothing else, entertaining. It's also, quite often, gratifying.

Husband's being a sanctimonious jerk, lawyered up and ready to fight wife to the bitter end. He has a few words to say about her lifestyle, her friendships, her enjoyment of the bottle, and he wants to win and take all. Wife contends husband is no saint, hires us to document husband's drug use. We obtain high-definition video of husband smoking it up - deadhead style - in the car with a very young lady formerly wearing a mumu and currently wearing only dreads. In mediation, upon being presented with his porn debut, husband's tone suddenly morphs from arrogant jackass to conciliatory. 

Wife brings home the bacon, plays the "I'm just a poor little soon-to-be single mother" card to great impact in meetings. Husband hires us to document wife's affair. We doll up in western shirts and shit-kicker boots and go two-stepping in a local honky-tonk. Wife dances "girls-gone-wild-style" on a table with her boyfriend. They make out in the relative privacy of a dive bar full of strangers, stroll back to their hotel hand-in-hand, and end up in sharing a hotel room at the Hyatt. In mediation wife's tone switches from "poor little me" to outraged power-player in less than a second. 

We don't judge—we just collect information—facts and documentation that often comes in mighty handy at the mediation table. Truth empowers.

Divorce is never an easy thing. Emotions, egos, and hearts all live somewhere out near the edge of a sleeve, exposed and itchy. 

The good thing is that you don't have to walk the road alone. Friends can prop you up. Lawyers (yes I know - but they do serve a purpose) can help you navigate the system. PIs (again, yes I know - but they serve a purpose too) can help you sort out the facts from the hot rhetoric, and gain clarity and understanding. However, it's often hard to know which of these disparate services you really need, as the slow, painful realizations start rolling in. Sometimes you don't know what, or who, you need until it's too late. That's where the most interesting event I've seen in years, the Divorce Expo, might just come in handy. 

What a fantastic idea: a two-day gathering of experts, support services, and fellow travelers. I read about the Paris Divorce Expo a couple of years ago, and decided to skip the event due to -  well - it was in Paris. I just heard about the NY Divorce Expo this morning. Had I known about it sooner, I'd be in NY this weekend.

Maybe soon, we can put together a Divorce Expo right here in Nashville. It would be, if nothing else, entertaining. And most likely quite informative.

The Sartorial Sleuth - Guest Blogger, Dr. Dave Gilbert

Throughout the summer months, Nashville private investigator, Thomas H. Humphreys, reaches out to some of Nashville's most well respected experts in style to assist in his investigations into the world of the sartorial. This month - Dr. Dave Gilbert, long time friend, raconteur, and man-about-town. First the pictures, then Dr. Dave's thoughts on personal style. Pay attention people...

Dressing for Success - Photos by www.chaddaviscreative.com

The "old dress for success" tips of yore depended upon a monolithic professional culture that no longer exists -- rules of decorum are as fractured as the culture itself. The richest twenty-something in the world wears a Gap hoodie to the office, while a thirty-something valet at a nice restaurant might be expected to wear a starched white shirt and foulard tie. Executives at HCA still wear the uniform of blue suit and red tie, but if you visit the Entrepreneur Center in downtown Nashville, you are more likely to see guys in polo shirts and khaki shorts. Successful middle-aged music-business types wear Affliction t-shirts and long hair with their cowboy boots. There are as many rules for successful dressing as there are modern day categories of work.

That being said, if you want to be seen as a man with style, rather than just as a man who fits in, here are a few tips:

I. Pick out your own clothes. If you have been dressed all of your life by either your mom or your wife, you are a man-baby, and your clothing tells us that you have never managed to form an independent persona.

II. Learn the rules. As with art, all style is the result of innovating within constraints. You need to know the rules before you can break them.

III. Know where you came from. Style may be personal, but it's never private; it is the product of dialogue within a culture, and within history. Style is similar to rap music; all true innovation takes place on the street.

IV. Pay attention. Cayce Pollard, the cool hunting protagonist in William Gibson's 2003 novel Pattern Recognition, was allergic to brands -- a label touching her body would literally make her sick. If you don't have sensitivity to color, texture, silhouette, and even brand, you probably won't have style.

V. Make your own rules. A few of your rules need to be your own and no one else's, even if they're arbitrary. An ex-girlfriend who taught me most of what I know about style wouldn't wear anything made of denim except for jeans, i.e., no denim shirts or jackets. She would also only wear black or gray denim jeans, never blue. These rules were for her alone, not ones she wished to impose on anyone else, but they helped to make her style very personal and unique.

VI. Know how you look in your clothes. Many guys have never bothered to crane their necks with a mirror behind them to see how their clothes fit them on the backside. You can also use a handheld mirror in conjunction with a bathroom or dressing mirror to examine back and side-views. Paying attention to how clothes look on your body from various angles is not a sign of vanity, but rather of self-awareness and self-respect.

VII. Know how clothes should fit you. Once upon a time, when our mothers and grandmothers made our clothes, everyone, even us normal folk, wore "bespoke" clothing. If you look at pictures of dudes on bicycles from the 1920s you will see their clothes fit them perfectly. Mass production of clothing has led to a desire for quantity over quality. Old Navy and the Gap have taught a generation of men that they should schlep around in dad jeans and sweatshirts like overgrown children. Clothing that fits and actually looks good is now seen as too tight and restrictive. Can you imagine John Wayne in a Gap hoodie? No, you can't.

VIII. Don't ever wear "dad jeans." Dad jeans are never acceptable. Even in the privacy of your own home, the Lord still knows.

IX. Don't wear comfort shoes. Remember the shoes your grandfather wore? Your grandfather managed to stomp Nazi ass all over Europe with leather footwear.

X. Ignore the imitators. A good friend asked me, "Why do you still wear work-boots and cuffed jeans when the boys who shop at Urban Outfitters now wear them?" My answer is simple: because I don't feel the need to look different just for the sake of looking different. Mass merchants will always ape artisans and early adopters by flooding the market with cheapened, valueless knock-offs. 2nd-tier stylists will always dress the latest "artist" in these knock-offs. What they do has no reflection on me, or on anyone with style.

XI. Style is about values. Style is not formed by mastering the formal rules of color, silhouette, etc., but rather by knowing who you are in relation to the culture. It's about taking a stand, and that includes your values. If you buy your clothing from people you know, or if you care about the conditions under which your clothing was made, you represent your values and your relationship to the community.

XII. Less is more. Style is more about what you don't wear than what you do wear. It's the negative space in your wardrobe that counts. When shopping, exercise restraint. Everything you buy and add to your wardrobe impacts everything already in your wardrobe. When you consider buying something ask yourself, "What will this item replace, or devalue?"

XIII. Don't wear sandals. Open-toed footwear is not acceptable on men who are no longer in college, unless they are at home, the pool, or the beach. If you must wear sandals, you must maintain your feet. Get pedicures. No one wants to see your yellowed, misshapen toe nails in a business meeting or at dinner. No one should suffer for the sake of your comfort.

XIV. Finally, inject some humor into your look. Don't take yourself too seriously. No one else does.

You Can't Please Everyone

Nashville private investigator, Thomas H. Humphreys, reads Seth Godin just about every day. Mr. Godin put up a post on his blog this morning that resonates. The title of the piece is, "The mathematical impossibility of universal delight."

We here at [FIND] Investigations choose to be visible, not the alternative. We choose an audiance that is varied. On this blog, we make efforts to entertain and maybe, just maybe, enlighten. Over the next month you'll find a series of posts on a variety of topics. 

[FIND] Vice will once again see the light of day with a spring series from our adopted home town, New Orleans. You'll see new drinks, old detectives, and a Vieux Carre take on the art of mixology - The same quality cocktail you've come to adore, just another perspective.

The Sartorial Sleuth will hold court on matters of style and being a gentleman. We'll have a look at the well dressed PI from history and fiction, as well as some modern day examples of how to dress like a man. We're also enlisting the help of some of our favorite stylists to add a little bit of credibility to the posts. Up first, Dr. Dave Gilbert of Salttt. 

We will offer the usual thoughts on fraud prevention and detection. Tips and tricks to avoid having your life ruined by nefarious actors.

The newest member of our team will offer some words on the process of becoming licensed in Tennessee. In this monthly column, Allison shares her experience dealing with the PI Commission, studying for and taking the PI test, and learning the trade. Should be useful for those aspiring gumshoes out there.

Finally, we're going to introduce a kids' corner. [FIND] Kids will offer some ideas and resources for educators. We will dig deep into our rolodex, call in some favors, and share those resources with you. We'll provide lesson plans, activities, and contacts for spy camps and museums.

Not everybody likes what we do here on the [FIND] Blog, but we do. Some folks get mad, others get inspired. As Seth Godin says, "What delights one, enrages the other. Part of the deal." Stay tuned...

InvestiDate: How to Investigate Your Date

At [FIND] Investigations, we get quite a few calls from online daters asking us to background check prospective beaus.

Often, the request is driven by a gut feeling: Something doesn't seem right about him/her. Her profile photos don't match her stated hobbies, age, or profession. He says he's a successful lawyer, but he doesn't ever seem to go to work. She often leaves the room to call or text someone. 

Many times, people aren't sure what they're looking for, only that they have a vague, dark suspicion about the person they've recently met or are newly dating. They're torn: They want to trust the potential love interest, but they want to protect themselves from...something, they're not quite sure what. So they call us.

That's not the kind of investigation we do. But there's plenty that daters can do on their own, by acquiring a few simple investigative tools. Learning your way around free online databases and public records can turn up employment, criminal, and address histories; and honing your powers of observation can turn your vague gut feelings into a more sophisticated radar for disingenuousness and deception.

Former crime reporter Maria Coder offers a seminar series that arms daters with those tools. And she's recently released a book, called InvestiDate: How to Investigate Your Date that teaches simple, legal methods for learning more about people you meet online and (hopefully) putting fears to rest.

On Thursday, March 8th, Coder brings her free seminar to Nashville's Bongo Java After Hours Theater, from 6:30-8:00pm. She'll share a few tricks of the trade, such as:

1. How to create a secondary "stealth" online dating profile to look for folks who change the basic facts about themselves, such as age or profession. "Whenever someone lies about anything, I disregard them," she says.

2. How to use criminal, address, and professional databases to check out claims that seem contradictory or false.

3. How to be vigilant for popular dating scams, such as people posing as soldiers or investment bankers, who then con their "beloved" out of thousands of dollars. 

Coder has received lots of press for her innovative business model, including this Nashville Scene article, penned by Kim Green, one of our investigators. And to detractors who suggest that surreptitiously checking up on a love interest goes beyond the bounds of healthy skepticism, Coder merely smiles. "Better safe than dead," she says.

ID Theft - Cellphone Fraud

ID theft is rampant. Dumpster diving, credit card skimming, theft, etc. The ACFE's Fraud Magazine has an article this month discussing several cellphone scams that appear to be making the rounds.

The FCC and the FTC says nearly 4 percent of the reported ID thefts are related to cellphone or wireless categories. With cellphone use on the rise (Seriously, do you know a single person who doesn't have a cell phone?) this type of ID theft is certain to increase commensurately. 

The Scams - 

Smishing - a mash-up of SMS and Phishing. Your bank will likely not be texting you messages about your credit card. Vishing is the voice mail version of this scam. Don't answer texts from people you don't know, especially when they relate to financial information.

Subscriber Fraud - someone jacks your cell service and opens new accounts (services) in your name. 

Cloning - someone jacks your phone number and ESN and loads the information onto an other phone. You get the bill. They make the calls.

What to do -

Don't respond to texts from unknown sources or robocall voice mails.

Treat your phone like you do your wallet. (I've seen countless people head to the restroom with their iPhone on the table. Bad idea.) Don't leave your phone unattended. 

If you get hit - 

Call your service provider.

Call the cops.

Report it to the FTC.

Post to the Internet Crime Complaint Center.

Call the FBI.

Your ID is more vulnerable than ever. Keep a close eye on your cellphone.